The Next Time

Days are normally just so boring now.  I used to LOVE going to the doctor and seeing my baby grow on the ultrasound.  I would get all excited and dressed up….and everything was perfect.  I think I was happier being pregnant.  But, it was a good pregnancy anyways because I didn’t ache or get sick and I was happy (not cranky or weepy like some women get), it was bliss.  Now it is almost the same day in and day out.  We can plan things to do to make life more enjoyable (and we do), but it’s just not the same.  There used to be plans about a little baby and then a little toddler and so forth and so on.  Now, the only plans I can make for my future is “the next time I get pregnant”.  The “next time” I will be too nervous to get attached.  The “next time” I will be stressed out and scared beyond belief because I don’t want to go through THAT again.  That was the worst time of my life.  I don’t know if I can emotionally go through THAT again.  I want a happy ending “next time”.  The “next time” I will be on bedrest the whole pregnancy and won’t be able to do anything productive….which is even worse because I will be alone with the growing baby all day long, trying to not get too attached “just in case”, if you know what I mean.  It would be better to be able to work and be busy to try and not think about it 24/7…Instead I will be forced to lay there and think of nothing else.  Think of how scared I am.  But, at the same time, the “next time” I need to stay calm and relaxed in the hopes of keeping the next one inside of me as long as possible.  I hate my body for what it did.  She was perfect and growing just fine.  Nothing was wrong with her.  It would be a different story if something was wrong with her and my body just “rejected” her.  That would be devistating, but not nearly as devistating as what my stupid body did.  Any way you look at it, she was still my baby girl.  Sick or healthy, early or on time, she was MINE.  I miss her desperately every single day.  My tummy aches to have her inside again and feel her moving.  My arms ache unbelievably to hold her again.  The “next time” is going to be the scariest time of my life I believe.  Too many unanswered questions and scary possiblities.  Too much stress, but I know at the same time I will be trying to stay calm and relaxed.  It stresses me out now just thinking about the “next time”, and unfortunately I cannot think of anything else.  And I hate it.  I think about the “next time” and try to be positive.  I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I really do.  But if you haven’t been through it, then the scariness is very very overpowering over the positive!!!

Looking for a friend

My thoughts to the world out there today.  I have decided to start a blog because I have so many thoughts and pent up emotions I wanted to “get out there”.  I put a few on my facebook page, but I have realized I don’t like visiting my facebook page because everyone is showing off their own kids and babies (which isn’t a bad thing – I would be doing that too, if I had a baby).  I just don’t like seeing their babies because it makes me miss my baby.  I desperately have wanted to find some women to talk to who have been through what I have been through.  I wanted to find some friends.  I am still learning slowly how to blog, or really even what a blog is and how to view other peoples blogs, so please bare with me.  I think I must need women to talk to who have been through what I have been through.  I know the pain and ache will never go away – but it has been nine months.  I still avoid other babies.  I still cry for my baby all the time, especially now.  It must be the holidays.  On Nov 3rd, she would have been 9 months old.  She could be walking.  I don’t know.  Ever since that day I have been crying all the time.  I had a few good months, but now it’s just plain hard.  She affected my life so deeply!  To all the women out there who have lost a baby (or babies), please be my friend and help me through this.

Hope

 It’s hard to have faith when your arms truly ache for the one you will never again hold in this earthly life.  It’s hard to believe God loves you and knows you individually.  You cannot know the pain of losing a child, until you have actually gone through it – once you have held them, nothing equals that love.  Nothing in this world even compares to losing a child.  I know “someday” I will see the big picture and know why…..but “today” it hurts.   Unbelievably.  I can’t help but think of “what ifs” and “whys” and “was there something I could have done”, even though I know better.  Somewhere, deep iniside of me, I know it wasn’t my fault and I know it was for a reason.  But it takes some serious digging to get there some days.  I wonder when this pain will pass, or atleast not hurt so badly – but I fear it might take years, or maybe even a lifetime.  Every time I see a baby, or a pregnant woman, or a little girl dressed up so cute…I think of her.  My little angel.  My little baby I felt inside of me from the very beginning, and who was taken away from me.  My little baby I never got to bring home from the hospital and watch grow up.  Everyone who has children, please hug them right this second and tell them you love them.  Don’t put it off until later.  You are blessed to have them – now take care of them.  Your arms will ache intensely once they are gone.