I have finally reached the blessed 28 week mark of my pregnancy…..blessed because if I have her now, she has a 90% survival rate. Yay!!!! What a huge relief. This little baby is moving all the time inside me!
Two weeks ago I was putting together some Easter stuff I had bought for Hope’s headstone, and I felt her spirit so strongly! I think she must have been with me. My eyes wouldn’t stop tearing up. I had gotten a wire bunny basket and some plastic eggs, and I was filling the eggs with rocks because I didn’t want them to blow away. I so badly wanted to put candy and little girly jewelry in them. Anything but rocks!!! We decorated up her headstone so cute with spring/easter stuff. I see little Easter dresses all over the stores right now and want to buy them for Hope. Then I remember I can’t, and I want to buy them for this little girl but I’m too scared to yet. Hope is such a huge part of my life, even though her body isn’t here with me.
The past few days I have thought maybe I feel like a “normal” pregnant lady feels like right now. Of course, there is still more fear in me of losing my baby than a “normal” pregnant lady….but I feel pretty good. I obviously still have good days and not so great days. But I don’t feel the pressure when I stand. I am still taking it easy and staying down a lot, but I can stand longer and walk longer than I have been able to since probably November. I remember feeling pressure and stuff from the very beginning of my pregnancy (October), but when they put the cerclage in (January) is when everything went downhill. I could barely stand for more than a few minutes, the pressure hurt so bad and was super scary!! That lasted about two months. But now, there isn’t so much pressure at all! I feel stretched (I am probably bigger than I would have gotten with Hope, my first; at five months I was barely showing) in the belly and started showing very early. It’s amazing how each pregnancy is different! People claim they are different, but I thought maybe this one wouldn’t be so different since my first one didn’t last the whole 9 months. This little girl inside of me though, I can feel her move and roll and kick ALL the time!!!!! (I never got to feel Hope move before she came out.) This little girl is so active!!!!!! Truly the COOLEST thing ever about being pregnant!! I still can’t sit in an upright position more than a few minutes, but I can recline and lay down and stand and walk a little. My doctor has been great about all my questions and concerns. He has his own opinion, but then he says something like “but with what you’ve been through, it’s understandable to have these concerns”. He’s been great.
I still think of Hope every day, but we’re finally getting super excited about this little bundle of joy. We have finally let ourselves go (a little) and have bought some baby stuff. We started at 23 weeks because that was my first goal to reach, then we bought a few more things at 25 weeks (that was my second goal to reach). We have only bought small stuff, and I refuse to have a baby shower until after she’s born….but I’m VERY excited for her to come out!!! I’m very nervous to go the whole 40 weeks because I still fear her dying inside of me. I hope she comes when they take the cerclage out (36 weeks). I know I should want to keep her in as long as possible, but there’s so much fear.
We decorated Hope’s grave up so beautiful for her first birthday (Feb 3rd)!!! My husband bought her flowers for Valentine’s day (every time he brings me flowers, she get some also). We have bought some cute little Easter things to decorate her grave with for Easter. I love buying her things. I am always looking for something that can be put outside and won’t blow away or be ruined by rain or cold. Still missing you Hope!
I remember feeling behind at one point in my husbands family because we didn’t have kids yet. Then I remember being so excited about being pregnant the first time. The first time is always different than any other pregnancy. Now, even though we still don’t have kids (here on this Earth)….I feel somewhat ahead of all of them. Not that it’s a race or anything…not that it even matters. Just ramblings of a sleep-deprived mind. But, none of them have ever lost a baby. I have lost two (one 19 weeks, and one 8 weeks). I have been through more in the past year and a half than any of them (other than “just” losing babies). Sure, they’ve lost grandparents or are going through financial trials or maybe marriage trials (been there too) and are probably dealing with things with their kids that I don’t even know about yet because I haven’t had the opportunity to experience that yet. But, in some ways, I feel a little ahead of them. I don’t wish for any of them to EVER have to go through losing a baby/child!!! But, that makes me feel different around them. I definitely feel like a completely different person than I did a year and a half ago. I know I’m a different person. Once I get this baby of mine in my arms, I know I will somehow have a little more love for her/him than everyone else who has never lost a baby. They love their babies – don’t think I’m saying they don’t!!!!! But, after losing one, you seriously do feel a deeper connection. A deeper love that others cannot yet understand. Not that being ahead is a good thing by any means!! Maybe it’s not “ahead”….maybe it’s more mature….maybe it’s just different. I just feel different from them, but know I will somehow have a deeper connection with my new baby.
FINALLY! Finally I feel like I can breathe. (I won’t let all my air out yet though). Finally I feel happy, excited, and cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy!! Finally I want to show off my cute little belly. Finally I feel comfortable with “things” going on inside of me….thinking they are normal pregnancy things and not contractions or my cerclage ripping or the baby in distress.
Today I am 22 1/2 weeks along. My first goal was to reach 23 weeks, because at that point my doctor will at least try to save my baby if I do go into labor. My next goal is 25 weeks, then 28 weeks….then hopefully after that everything is perfect. Praying it is!! After I lost my baby girl, I put everything pregnant related I had (which wasn’t a whole lot) into a tote. Yesterday I got that tote out and went through it. I tried on maternity clothes which I never wore with Hope because I never had a belly with her. I probably won’t wear them much this pregnancy either because I am just home laying down all day, but I did hang them up in my closet. I have been scared to do that this whole pregnancy so far. I do still feel some pressure when I stand or walk much, but I really want to go out into public and wear cute maternity clothes and show off my belly and boobs. I haven’t dared show off my belly as of yet; too scared to get attached. I have had my husband take pictures of my belly (usually weekly), for my scrapbook, but I haven’t shown anyone. I haven’t told hardly anyone my due date or even how far along I am until these last few weeks. I still try to not think of my due date….just in case. But, on Monday I will have reached my first goal! I have a doctors appointment (a big deal, because my doctor is two hours away) next Wednesday, and we are going to buy a little something to celebrate my first goal. Maybe some infant diapers or little onesies or…I don’t even know what to buy! But, I’m super excited!!!!! I finally feel like I can kind of start planning on this baby (cautiously). I refuse to have a baby shower until after I have a screaming baby in my arms, so there are things we will have to have before that. But, FINALLY I feel excited and happy about being pregnant and about this baby. I just wouldn’t hardly let myself before now.
So, I saw a trailer for “The Vow” on tv today and I’m DYING to see the movie!!!!! I cannot go and see it because I’m on bedrest and couldn’t sit upright that long. But, I just found out it’s based off of a book – so now I MUST read the book! Reading is something I can do right now. I cried during the preview. Lame, I know. Maybe it’s because I’m pregnant, I don’t know. I am a succor for chic flicks! (Anyone who has seen the movie, please don’t ruin it!)
It has an interesting concept I think….”Could you get your soul mate to fall in love with you all over again, like you’ve never met….?” That question hit me so powerfully. My husband and I had a nice little evening last night for Valentine’s Day and I am just reminded of how much I truly love him and feel he’s my soul mate. Yes, I believe in soul mates. I believe you can “make it work” with anybody, but that there is one person out there who’s perfect for you. I believe I found that person. He truly is my best friend in the whole world. But, if he couldn’t remember me and I had all these memories of us together, could I make him fall in love with me again? If he just couldn’t remember and couldn’t love me the same way he used to, could I walk away from him? Walk away from my best friend? I don’t think I could walk away. I would try everything to make him fall in love with me again. Life is all about moments of impact and how they change our lives forever. Can a once in a lifetime love find a second chance?
Makes me want to make every second count with my dear husband. You never know when that time together could be up.
Could you make your soul mate fall in love with you all over again, like you’d never met?
Today is the most scared I have been my whole pregnancy so far. I feel nervous. I thought Friday (my daughters birthday) would be the worst day of my pregnancy, but that day was okay. Not great obviously, but okay. I remember the night before I went into labor with Hope I couldn’t sleep and I felt nervous and anxious. Very anxious. It should be a good sign that I don’t feel anxious now right?
I can feel movement of my baby inside and out…but it seems like a lot of movement. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I just don’t know. I am now 19 weeks along. I was 19 weeks when I delivered Hope. I am sure the knowledge of being 19 weeks right now is making me more nervous. I don’t know. I worry. And, I have right to worry. But how much is too much? My husband is working on a serious job at work. My mom has left to help him. Basically I am home alone. Not that having anyone here would do any good. I hate bothering the doctors when I don’t have an appointment. I have done that a few times during this pregnancy, and everything was always fine. I guess I over-reacted, but I needed that assurance that everything was fine. My high risk doctor is two hours away. The doctor here that I used for my first pregnancy is nice, but still 15 minutes away and I don’t feel comfortable driving. I don’t feel comfortable sitting upright. I have been laying down all day except to go pee, and it’s only 12:30 in the afternoon. What will I do with myself the rest of the day? I have a hard time watching tv or a movie, or reading because my mind is going CRAZY right now. My husband and I are in charge of his family reunion this year, so the past week I have been busy planning that out and finding a place to stay. That was good to keep my mind preoccupied, but it’s not working right now. My brain has made a home down in my belly and I am feeling every twitch every movement every pinch of pain. I think of my cervix and I worry. I think of contracting and I wonder if I will be able to know I’m contracting if I really am, because I am on Progesterone which is “supposed” to help stop contracting.
I just don’t know….
Pray for me. I absolutely cannot lose this baby. I am worried to be feeling this way now (hopefully it only lasts today) because I have to make it atleast five more weeks before they will even try to save the baby if I deliver. After that every week is obviously better.